Since finally accepting my mum’s downward curve, mentally, and a few other stressful things, I decided to make a new start for myself. I wasn’t sure what, but new anyway.
I haven’t rushed. I decided to have a little holiday, at home. Time off from the usual. No counselling; nothing. And it has been amazing. I have got up when I wanted, without worrying about what I SHOULD be doing. I’ve cleaned my windows, had another clear out, cleaned my fish tank out, watched documentaries, been creative, watched films, and more than anything I have been mindful.
I had to keep pushing away the ‘coulds’ and ‘shoulds’ but on the whole, I have been mindful. I’ve eaten tasty, nutritious things, been looking after myself, thinking about what ‘I’ want to do rather than what anyone else might want me to do. And I have done things in a very relaxed way with no time schedule.
I even got to the swimming pool today. It’s so hot, I thought I could cool off, but it had just been closed due to chlorine issues, so I had a Jacuzzi and steam instead and got even hotter LOL!
Things I have had to do, like sorting more important stuff out, I have done without stress. I have driven more slowly and carefully, enjoying it rather than worrying about how late I am! I have even been daydreaming! I forgot what that was like; it’s great! I’ve sunbathed and read books, tended my plants and played with my cats, and I have thought about what makes me happy and want I want for my future, no matter how short or long that might be.
I’ve been writing my thoughts down and worked through them, instead of just acting on impulse or emotions.
Life ahead of me is not going to be the same. Some horrid things are going to happen. I might feel very down again. But if I have good things in my life and a better way of coping with the negative things, then I know I will have a much better chance of surviving, coping and beating that ‘suicidal ideation’ I sometimes still get.
For the rest of the week I am socialising with friends; Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. And rather than ‘fitting socialising in’ I am really looking forward to seeing everyone in a relaxed way.
My need to achieve, due to stuff from my childhood, has been too prevalent, and it’s time to just let some things happen. After all, you never know what might happen if you just stop and let things be for a bit. 
